The MacLamity

The News That Stays News, Reported Live

Friday, October 15, 2004


MacLamity got a D in art from Eton, and just can't understand what his teacher was doing giving him this pitiless grade when the teacher could have done all of MacLamity's work for him, done it really well, and given it an A. But MacLamity is underwhelmed, deeply underwhelmed, by the smoking-gun tape that supposedly proves Prince Harry discussing how his teacher is doing his AS-level art project for him.
SF: (tape inaudible). Sorry, it's just the way you would say it, then.

Student: (tape inaudible). (tape skips).

SF: Sorry?

Student: (tape inaudible). Well, it's just that (tape inaudible) goes here.

SF: Oh right, yeah. But you'd be up there anyway for the (tape inaudible).

Student: Yeah, yeah. (tape skips).

SF: When you wrote this (tape inaudible). (walking, sounds like up stairs).

Student: Smells of fresh paint.

SF: What?! I wasn't expecting that. Anyway, what I wanted to speak to you about is this. Last year, when I did (tape inaudible), wrote the (tape inaudible) exam, did you tell anyone about that? (tape skips). Did you mention it to anyone?

Student: (tape inaudible - muffled).

SF: Are you sure? (tape skips) what else was said? (tape inaudible) I mean that I wrote it (tape skips twice) and I understood that you would do some writing (tape skips).

Student: (tape inaudible) a tiny, tiny bit, I, I was, like, a sentence in it. (tape skips).

Student: (tape copied - "...I was, like, a sentence in it. (tape skips)).
This isn't Watergate. This is the new Tate sound sculpture ("No, no, no!" they shout, and "Think! Think! Think!" Pete and Repeat were sitting on a fence. Pete fell off, who was left?" "Repeat." "Pete and…" They give alarming instructions: "Shit in your hat. Show me your hat. Put your hat on your head," or they gush effusively: "Thank you, thank you, thank you."), surely!