The MacLamity

The News That Stays News, Reported Live

Monday, January 09, 2006


The modern dictionary of common knowledge would define Judo as the martial art where you use your opponent's own power against him or her. I don't think that it's really possible to do such a thing. But it's nice to believe, and nicer the weaker you are and the more powerful your enemies are. Stow-on-the-Wold has managed to do it, however, with its response to AA Gill saying the town is full of "bleating woolly flocks of pensioners:"
"I know that [AA Gill is] a regular at a lovely little restaurant in west London," says Mr Hope, who used to be a big cheese in public relations. "But he's never done a review of it [AA Gill reviews restaurants]. It's because he doesn't want too many people to go there. It's the same with Stow. He comes here and loves it so he criticises it to try to keep people away so he and his mate, Jeremy Clarkson, can find a good table at one of our many fine restaurants and find a parking place for Clarkson's big car."

I am in awe of the brilliance of this argument. Consider, there can be no more criticism after it:

In books: If someone wanted the brilliant insights of my book all to themsleves, there'd be no better way to ensure that than to call it "dull, pompous, drivel" in a major paper.
In cinema: We all know that the critic hates to have to step over people on his way to get more popcorn in the middle of the movie. So, of course, he said "watching this movie reminded me of how the boa constrictor suffocates you slowly and painfully without ever letting you lose consciousness."
In Politics: My opponent calls me corrupt so that he can have the pleasure of voting for me all to himself.